Although this is an out of the box approach to how most blended families work, I thought it was insightful. Coming from a blended family myself and being expected to completely and totally love my “step-parent” (which was hard for a 4th grader!!), maybe you take the name out of the equation in the beginning? Same goes for labeling it a “new family” which puts pressure on the child(ren) to try to visualize what that looks like or feel like it is replacing the family lost. I found this to be a very interesting article and wanted to share.
Image credits: http://www.flickr.com
According to some experts, expecting to have a ‘blended’ family is not a realistic or reasonable expectation at all. In fact, removing the pressure to blend, a family involving second spouses and children from previous marriage has a better chance for happiness. Blended families face a myriad of challenges–including a divorce rate of more than 70%. Apparently the notion of “blending” people who are clearly unrelated and clearly have no desire to be blended is not the best route to go when bringing along others into a new life with a new spouse.
Challenges
One of the challenges second or third families face is that pressure for a fresh start, a fresh chance to be that thing called ‘family.’ The expectation to become a new family, while fairy tale-like and desirable for the married partners, is often impossible for anyone else. Couples who have moved on from their broken relationships may not realize that the end of that original family is something that the children will always carry. It cannot be repaired or replaced simply because two people in love now will it.
The best thing to do is respect the children’s loss. They may be less willing to dwell on it if they are not pressured to replace it with something else. Children of divorced parents face unique challenges; they’re forced to live in separate places or forego daily life with a parent. That is their state. To add a new mom or new dad and force them to play new family roles is often unfair, unbalanced, and will inevitably lead to resentment and anger between all parties.
There is No Replacement
Step parents can be wonderful. Step parents can be awful. And, yet, why call them parents at all? The very word sets up a verbal competition with the real thing which will always and forever be the real thing. Anything that attempts to mimic those roles is apt to be regarded as imposter-like. Children of divorces have a mother and a father–and if they don’t, if one parent has died or skipped off, they have to live with that void, not try to replace it with someone who can never truly expect to fill that void. Instead, focus on companionable qualities–be more like a nurturing aunt, a caring uncle. It’s best not to step into those parental shoes for many children. Those that do invariably discover frustration and failure to be what they aren’t and really shouldn’t be; many children find the obtrusive actions of a step parent to be boundary-breaking and disrespectful of their original parentage.
I Love New My Spouse–Why Don’t My Kids?
The most one should ever expect from children who are forced into a new family situation is kindness and good behavior–expectations a parent could have for their kids in any situation. Instead of love which is unrealistic and also selfish, try to focus on behaviors in the new household that nurture respect for feelings and privacy. A new spouse that repeatedly pokes his or her nose into the relationship of the other spouse and their children–no matter how justified they believe themselves to be–is asking to be part of that 70% divorce rate. The children will resent the intrusion into their relationship with their parent and the spouse will eventually be caught up in the tug of war.
Prepare Yourself for the Nitty-Gritty Dirty Details
It sounds reasonable–let him discipline his daughter or let her deal with her son’s grades; yet it’s incredibly difficult to respect boundaries when everyone is living under the same roof and pulling from the same pool of resources–namely money. Before you marry someone with children or expect your children to sleep under the same roof with people who they have no connection with by blood, temperament, or character, consider the scenarios that many ‘blended’ families face and ask yourself if you want to live that life, subject your children to that life.
After all, are you prepared to see your paycheck go to pay her daughter’s college expenses when she’s flunked out twice? When his son’s mates trash your new carpet, are you prepared to respect the boundaries? What if his kids need more financial assistance than yours? What if her kids constantly demand her attention and leave you out in the cold? These are surprisingly typical events in the everyday lives of blended families.
If you can respect the separateness yet find a way to build a positive and companionable relationship nonetheless, you may find that your home is happy and peaceful. If you find that this scenario is impossible for you and your children, you can contact Irwin Mitchell to discuss options that may or may not eventually lead to divorce. Sometimes just exploring all your open roads can impact your willingness to stay or make a break.
Millie Whitehead is a veteran marriage and family counselor. She frequently blogs to help families create healthy and stable relationships in the modern setting.
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