The Story of My Dad

Well…this is going to be a hard one for me. I am already biting my lower lip as tears are welling in my eyes. When we were asked to review this book In Search of Fatherhood: A Mother Lode of Wisdom From the World of Daughterhood, my immediate thoughts were, “Kim will have to write about this one”. I have had an ongoing struggle with my relationship with my dad my entire life. As of today, we haven’t spoken or seen one another in a little over a year (keep in mind we live only 20 minutes away from each other). As I thought about putting this review on Kim so that I could keep my private feelings private, I started thinking. I personally wanted to start this blog to share my trials and tribulations of motherhood, life and love- what I found that has worked and not worked, what has brought me joy and also what has brought me sadness. I wanted to be an open book in hopes that I could touch someone else, help them along their journey, or inspire them in some way. After reflecting on this, I realized I had to share my story and add to the review of this book.

In Search of Fatherhood: A Mother Lode of Wisdom From the World of Daughterhood is an AMAZING book! Kim is right, it is an easy read, something you can pick up and read a few short stories in the hopefully 5 minutes you get to yourself in a day (!) and ponder the lessons these women have learned over the years from their fathers (good and bad). What stuck out to me the most was the books author is a dad who basically was going through the motions of life when he realized his daughters were growing up before his eyes and he knew nothing about them. He came to a crossroads where he knew he had to do something about it and thought what better way to “search for what fatherhood is all about” than to talk to women who were grown and get their perspective on their dads and the lessons they learned from their experience with that relationship. What actually brought me comfort was reading stories from women who didn’t have the greatest relationship with their dads because I have had a similar experience.

Rather than write a novel here, the short version is that I adored my dad when I was younger. His vibrant and child-like personality along with his love for life just drew you in like a moth to a flame. I would say I was “daddy’s little girl”. When my parent’s divorced, he obviously didn’t live in the same house as us and slowly but surely things changed. I felt, over time, he didn’t make the effort to come and see us as much as he should. I felt like he had other priorities that came ahead of my sister and I. There were so many times that he said he was going to come and get us or come and see us and he would never show. One time in particular I remember sitting in my beautiful dress with my hair and makeup done before a dance waiting for him to show up and he never did.

He did end up remarrying and having more children which took up a lot of his time as well. I became a teenager and wanted to be with my friends… you see where this is going. Little by little we drifted apart and the idea in my head of what a father should be just wasn’t there and it wasn’t happening. As I moved out on my own phone calls became few and far between. I did feel like I tried to call and make an effort with him, but in my eyes it was never reciprocated. On several occasions I tried to talk to him about how I felt and what I felt I needed from him as a dad, but things never changed. It is actually heart-wrenching for me to admit this, but I struggled up to the last minute to even have him walk me down the aisle at my wedding. That moment is suppose to be for a dad to giveaway his beloved daughter who he has nurtured and protected, loved and cherished over the span of her life and I just didn’t feel like that had happened. When we were alone in the back of the church it was hard to even look at him and be in that moment because all I could think was “why weren’t you there for me… why did you not love me enough.. was there something I could have done to change the outcome of our relationship as it stood in that moment”.

Up to this point, we were cordial to each other at family events and talked here and there, but things really started to change when I had Cody. When I gave birth to my son, I felt a love I had never experienced before. It grew every day and all I wanted in this life was to love and protect and grow this little human being Steve and I created. When my dad (who before we moved worked 5 minutes away from my house) didn’t make an effort to come and see his first amazingly precious grandson as much as I thought he should (he came a few times in the beginning and then it faded) I realized that I didn’t want my son to experience that pain and disappointment I felt my entire life. I was worried he would be looking forward to seeing his grandpa who wold never show, never call, never put him first. At the same time, I was now a parent myself and I realized that as a child, you shouldn’t have to be the one to put forth all the effort with your parent. You should not have to beg a parent to love you.

With all of this reaching a head, our last conversation went south and we haven’t spoken since. This year I found out I was pregnant with my second son, I turned 30 and moved into the house of my dreams and he wasn’t there to experience any of it with me. And it hurts. Cody has grown by leaps and bounds this year and my dad has no idea who this little boy even is.

With all of that being said, I have learned so much from my dad. I will always love him, regardless of what ever happens between the two of us. We may never talk again, but I will take away the lessons learned, some of which I don’t even think I know I have learned…

• I will always try and see the beauty in life like he does and be playful and child-like in a sense towards the world.
• I have learned that our parents (lovers, friends, children) can never meet our expectations fully because they have their own struggles and beliefs, along with their own expectations of how a relationship should be. The best thing we can do is accept and love them for who they are and appreciate the good that exudes from them. I feel like I have done this with my dad, however, I do feel that you can only let a person hurt you for so long before you reach a breaking point. I think that whether it is a parent, spouse, sibling or best friend, there has to be a mutual respect for the other persons feelings and although you are only human, you know what the other person needs and it is our duty to try and rise up to meet them halfway in that relationship so that we can grow and nurture it. If you are the only who is rising to meet them and they never show, time and time again, at some point you have to ask yourself if this is really something you can continue doing. I find it almost impossible to be in a one way relationship and that is the point I got to with my dad. I needed more. I didn’t need it all… just more.
• I learned that you can be a victim in any situation and you can blame your life on the hand you were dealt. BUT, you can turn any situation into good and make it a positive part of your life. My mom always said “It can always be worse” and she’s right.
• Going on this roller coaster with my dad has only made me stronger and more self-confident with who I am and what I know I deserve. This has taught me a huge lesson in the way I want to parent my children and the type of relationship I want to try and form with them over time (let’s just hope I don’t smother them in the process!!).
• Another great lesson I learned is that you can push people away and you can keep them at arms length in hopes that you don’t get close enough to get hurt, but letting people into your heart is SO much better! Even if you get hurt in the end, you really can’t have regret for the good stuff that came out of it.

I really am at peace with where my dad and I are at this point in time. My good friend, who I have known for my entire life asked me a few months ago, “you say you are over your dad, but it still seems to upset you so maybe you’re not”. The best way I can explain it is that I will always yearn for that relationship with my dad. I will always have a place in my heart and be sad that it is empty because he isn’t filling it. However, I know that at the end of the day, I needed some closure for my own emotional health and I had to end the cycle. I don’t know if we can ever recover from this, but I hope that one day we can and if not, that my kids can know and love him. Only the future can know that.

All in all, this book In Search of Fatherhood: A Mother Lode of Wisdom From the World of Daughterhood was worth every minute I spent reading it. It helped me to find even more peace with my dad, it taught me lessons that I want to teach my kids and it made me hopeful that dads (and anyone) really can grow, learn and change at any point in their life. Kevin Renner, the author, made a great point in the beginning of the book. He said that “just about anyone responsible for children faces training and certification requirements- teachers, therapists, doctors. Yet fathers can be utterly inept from their child’s birth until their legal entry into adulthood. There are no requirements whatsoever for fatherhood, beyond the ability to fertilize an egg.” This statement is what drives me as a mom. Although it was a statement about dads, it is true of all parents. Anyone can become a parent, but it is up to you on how you choose to leave your legacy behind for your kids to remember you by.