The Seriousness of Postpartum Depression

This story comes from Kathy over at Dreamy Babies. We’ve loved her website for a while now and were so happy to have her contact us and share her story about PPD. There are so many aspects of Motherhood that we’re not prepared for (mostly…ALL of it!) and then Mommy Guilt seems to kick in full force when we’re struggling with the choices and varied emotions that hit when we enter into Motherhood. For us, we’ve learned that it’s invaluable to surround yourself with people (family, friends, other moms, etc.) who are going to understand where you’re coming from, support you and lift you up when the Mommy Guilt kicks in! We hope you find Kathy’s story as inspirational as we did! Enjoy! Thanks Kathy!

There’s a big stigma attached to mental health issues which is why you will rarely hear people openly talking about their depression or other mental health issue. This is why people are reluctant to see a therapist or seek treatment; I can say first-hand that admitting you have a problem and need help from a mental health professional in some ways, makes you feel like a failure; less of a person because you can’t control your very own thoughts, feelings or emotions. But that is not true. After almost a year of treatment – and still going – I have learned that mental illness has a lot to do with genetics, biological, sociological and psychological attributes that affect our every day lives. Here is my story.


In 2008, my daughter was born. It was an exciting time for my family as she was our first baby but soon after she was born, things changed for me. I turned from a laid-back, easy-going person to a frightened, anxious, stress-filled, control freak who wouldn’t let anyone touch Kayla because in my mind, I was the only one who could feed her right, sleep her right or raise her right. I even had a hard time letting my husband take care of her and because of this, I rarely went out and for all of 2009, no one really saw me. Kayla was a catnapper and it drove me crazy. I thought that there was something I could do to fix that and I became obsessed with finding The Answer that I somehow wasn’t seeing that would make her sleep better and therefore solve my problem. I bought book after book and scoured the internet searching for any site that would give me The Answer but I couldn’t find it. I often found myself visiting the same sites or reading the same books over and over again, thinking that I must be missing something. What am I not seeing?


Over time, it wasn’t just her sleeping that kept me up at night; it was her eating too. She ate a lot but also had trouble with textured foods so she was on pureed foods way beyond one year old and she often threw up because if she burped wrong or coughed, everything came up. I constantly took her to the doctor asking for test after test because surely this wasn’t normal but he assured me that nothing was wrong and that once she got the hang of eating table food, the vomiting would stop.


Needless to say, the anxiety and stress robbed me of sleep and destroyed my appetite. I didn’t say anything to anyone because I wasn’t sure if something was wrong and everyone kept on telling me that “the first year is really hard” and that “I would eventually adjust” so I kept on going. Because other, more seasoned mothers, constantly told me that “it’s normal”, “it’s just the baby blues and it’ll go away” and they “felt the same way for about 6mos to 1yr but things eventually returned to normal”, I figured that if I waited long enough, I would return to normal too and I would start enjoying my time as a mother.
Well, 13mos rolled by and it just got worse. Still, I waited for that One Day when I would just snap out of it but that day never came. The bad days far out-weighed the good days and after a series of near mental breakdowns and a stint in the hospital (which the doctors couldn’t find what was causing my severe abdominal pains), I had hit rock bottom and knew that what I was going through wasn’t just your normal baby blues or your normal case of Postpartum Depression.


In August 2009 – 14mos after Kayla was born – I sought help from my doctor who immediately referred me to a psychiatrist. I was extremely skeptical to see a psychiatrist because I didn’t understand how someone I didn’t even know could help me. He knew nothing about my past, about my life, about what I was going through so if my friends or family couldn’t help me, how could he? I went anyway; deciding that I would give it a fair shot – 2 sessions at the most – and if I thought it was a waste of time (which I was convinced it would be), then I would stop. Obviously I was wrong.


The first session was intense. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with OCD traits and high anxiety disorder. That was a lot to take, that first session. I cried and couldn’t stop crying, even after I got home. I don’t know why either; maybe it was because I felt so defeated as a mother and person. Maybe it was because I felt like a failure when I excelled in all other aspects of my life. Whatever the reason, a huge part of the tears came from relief – relief from finally being able to see some light at the end of my dark, dreary tunnel. Relief that maybe things can change but mostly I felt hope – for the first time in 14mos, I felt hope that one day, I will be a good mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend again.


My psychiatrist was surprised that I waited so long to seek treatment but he was also not surprised as he mentioned that many mothers suffer in silence because they think that postpartum depression/baby blues are “normal” which is not really the case. Yes, it is normal to feel a little down after having a baby since your hormones are unstable for a while but it shouldn’t last very long or become as severe as mine did. I am so thankful that I sought help when I did because I seriously do not know where I would be right now had I not called his office that Sunday in August 2009.


My message is this: if you are feeling out of sorts and feel you can’t cope or that you are spinning out of control, I encourage you to talk to someone. That sinking and drowning feeling can turn into something more and it’s best to seek treatment – regardless of how mild the symptoms are – as soon as you can because if left too long, if you ignore it too long as I did, it could turn into clinical depression. Postpartum depression is a serious thing and although all mothers go through some form of it after birth – even up to a year after birth – not all cases are the same so take your case individually and take care of yourself. Even if that means talking to your family doctor or someone who has experienced PPD, it is a step in the right direction towards getting better. It is ok if you have depression. It is ok if you have feelings of regret, resentment, of thinking that maybe you weren’t cut out to be a parent, if maybe you made a mistake. I had the same thoughts and I felt horrible. I had awful guilt for thinking and feeling these things because Kayla is such a blessing and to have a child is an incredible thing. But if I knew this, how could I feel this way? Thoughts like that would keep me up at night. The anxiety destroyed my appetite and I dropped from a healthy 125lbs to about 108lbs. Nothing I did or nothing I ate made me gain weight. I hardly slept. I was utterly exhausted and it wasn’t because Kayla wasn’t sleeping – she was – I just wasn’t able to cope with the small things that often happen with young infants. When you are at this point in your life, in your mind, it’s time to seek treatment. I should have done that long before I got to this point however, I was stubborn and thought I could handle it. I was wrong – I see that now.


I am taking anti-depressants but because of the incredible progress I’ve made, my psychiatrist is weaning me off. I was extremely weary of going on medication but it literally saved me. 3mos after I started treatment, I felt so much better. Going to therapy has been extremely cathartic to say the least and I looked forward to our weekly sessions. After about 6mos of treatment, I cut back to bi-weekly sessions because I had better handle on things and since January of this year, I’ve only seen my doctor once because things are so great. I feel like my normal self again and I LOVE being a mother. I am able to cope and handle things as they come. I am able to take thing in stride even if that throws off our entire schedule or routine. I am finally able to see that raising children has its ups and downs and that it’s just a part of child-rearing. This is now my life and instead of resenting it like I used to, I embrace it. I love it. I couldn’t be happier. It took me a while to get here but I’m here and I finally feel normal. I finally feel like my old self. I am finally enjoying motherhood and I have my family, friends and my doctor to thank.

If you have any questions about depression or would like some support if you are having similar feelings, please do not hesistate to email us and we will put you in contact with Kathy.